huge plans tonight

I’ve been invited to a book party tonight. I have about 2 friends here and one of them tries really hard to include me in her huge social circle. I do appreciate it. So, 18 of her closest friends and I will be looking over Usborne books. They look good, and I want my kid to read so I can finally read my own damn books … but I digress.

I happened upon this title and thought, “Damn! I wonder if they have any books that teach her things that will be useful for ME!”

How about:

How to Make a Perfect Martini*

How to Make My Own Fucking Bed

How to Run the Dishwasher and Then Show Daddy

How to Recognize the Onset of a Migraine and Be Quiet For a Whole Afternoon

*When I was 6 years old, my grandmother taught me 2 amazing lessons that kind of went hand in hand. She taught me how to make a perfect dry martini. In her car. Cuz, you know, she was usually cocked and it ain’t easy to make drinks and drive. She had a vermouth squirter that was a little cherub who shot the vermouth out of his penis. Nice.

Lesson 1. Squirt fake urine/vermouth into a glass. Roll it around and then shake the glass out the window, leaving a fine hint of vermouth. Fill shaker with ice from cooler. Interesting to note here that sometimes my grandmother, Mimi, wasn’t wearing pants, but she always had a cooler full of ice in the front seat. Pour vodka over ice and shake til you have bicep burn. Pour chilled vodka into vermouth-hinted glass; add olive – also kept in cooler. Have an olive for yourself and know it may be lunch. Hand perfect martini to Mimi and enjoy the ride.

Lesson 2. Sometimes it’s hard for Mimi to steer. Sit on her left leg and work the steering wheel. Hang your left arm out the window and look cool like she does. Ask if you can hold a cigarette. Not lit, of course. Turns out she won’t let you smoke until you’re 11…. She’ll work the pedals – gas and brake – but feel free to alert her of cars that are stopped in front of you. She’s a real bear when she spills that drink.