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Archive for the ‘this might explain some things’ Category

…so full.

*26

The vast majority of all people get 28 permanent teeth. Actually, approximately 95% of all humans get 28 permanent teeth and 4 wisdom teeth. Sunshine had her dental x-rays today. Turns out, she’s going to have 26. I forgot to ask if wisdom teeth are out of the question. I was stunned into silence. That’s unusual. But! You gotta love my family. SugarDad calls them ‘The Amoeba’ because they move as one; one brain; shared purpose; lovely and bizarre.

<ring ring>

me: Good afternoon.

voice: Mo…

me: Hi, this is Stupormom. Who’s this?

voice: Hey! It’s Auntie R. I was supposed to call Auntie Mo and tell her we landed. [I’m not such a large part of the amoeba, but the rest of it moves in kimbo, always aware of the movements of other parts]

me: I was just thinking of you! We had an interesting dentist appointment. I’d like to ask you if anyone in the family has not had all their teeth come in. It’s usually genetic and it may also be a gene marker for Native American descendants.

auntie R: No, no. Not that I can think of. [starts talking to my other aunt. Repeats the question.]

other auntie: [I can now overhear this conversation over the phone] Oh yeah. Some of my molars didn’t come in. Neither of my kids got all their molars, either.

auntie R: Really? I had no idea! You don’t have all your teeth? Huh. Stupormom says it’s genetic and that it can be a gene marker for Native Americans.

other auntie: Genie what?

auntie R: Gene MARKER. You know – what you’re made from. For Native Americans. Like you know how the men aren’t hairy…

other auntie: Oh! Right! Grandma was an Indian. Do you remember what kind?

auntie R: No, but remember that excellent thing she used to wear on her head to all functions?

At this point she closes her phone, having completely forgotten I was on it.

Frankly, Sunshine is lucky there is not more apparent things going on with her. I’m sure they’ll wait to surface in adolescence….

*Gates and Seinfeld

Have you seen the new ads on television with those two birds? I have no idea what they’re selling, but I’m buying. Hello? I have TIVO. I am one of the 85% of people who skip the advertisements because I can. And I rewind to watch them every time. And I have zero idea what the commercial is about. Either it’s an ad campaign designed to hook us in with a teaser, or it’s too subtle for me. Could be either, really. Or both! I have no idea but sign me up!

*What? I called you?

I broke up with my mom once and for all in March. Long story short – she called and said that her friends were wondering why “her own children didn’t come to help her move.” I was stupified. I paid for her last 3 moves, she stole $80K+ from me (yup. life’s savings), and the last time I’d seen her she let her dog attack my grandmother and child. So, yeah. I asked her for the numbers of these ‘friends’ and offered to clear things up for them. Precisely, I said this:

Would it make it easier for your friends to understand your ‘ungrateful children’ better if I gave them a call? I could explain that you abandoned my brother when he was 16 to go live with your boyfriend. Left him to heat a house and feed himself until I got wind of it and moved back to Vermont SO HE COULD GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL? That might explain why he’s not hot to help you. Again. I could explain that you allowed me to be raped for 10 years while you lay sleeping. Would that help? Would that clear things up? And while we’re at it, fuck you. Don’t call me ever again. You’re an asshole and you’re toxic and I just can’t stand that you ALWAYS try to make ME feel guilty. And don’t call my grandmother anymore. [Recently deceased grandfather’s widow – her step-mother] You’ve never had one nice thing to say about her ever and you keep hitting her up for money. Get a fucking job and contribute something besides vitriole and lies to this planet.

So, that was it. And she’s pretty much left everyone alone. I’m sure she’s plotting something, but I don’t even give a shit. My grandmother is coming to visit in two weeks. She told me last night that my mother phoned her and left a message. My gram, being ridiculously lovely woman that she is, returned the call. My mother said, “Oh, I called you? I’m so sorry. I don’t remember doing that….”

All I want for Christmas is one well placed clot to try and find her heart.

*Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist

I’m dying to see this! You?!

*he’s gone

My father was murdered on Memorial day. I’m sure I’ll write about it when I can. In the meanwhile, I had about 400 thank you notes to write. They’ve been on my desk … sitting, addressed, written, signed … for more than 3 months. I kept forgetting to get 1 cent stamps. Or something like that. I took them to the post office yesterday. Bought the 1 cent stamps. Completed the postage. Put two giant hands full into the ‘Out of Town’ slot – and couldn’t let them go. Just stood there, hands in the slot up to the middle of my arm. Couldn’t let them go.

Let them go. Thanked people for coming to see him. For saying goodbye. For saying such lovely things. For making good use of my handkerchiefs. For telling me how much he meant to them. I thanked them for loving him and saying goodbye.

So, I guess he is really, truly, honestly, and permanently gone. The sneak attack crying is back. So fun.

*Fringe will return in …

Seriously? It tells you, “Fringe will return in 70 seconds” and I’m 97% more likely to stay put. And watch the commercial. Which I rarely do. Why? I don’t know. But, Barack Obama, please advertise on Fringe. Mad pull, Mon President, mad pull. Plus, I know a lot more about bipolar disease now…

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I’ve been invited to a book party tonight. I have about 2 friends here and one of them tries really hard to include me in her huge social circle. I do appreciate it. So, 18 of her closest friends and I will be looking over Usborne books. They look good, and I want my kid to read so I can finally read my own damn books … but I digress.

I happened upon this title and thought, “Damn! I wonder if they have any books that teach her things that will be useful for ME!”

How about:

How to Make a Perfect Martini*

How to Make My Own Fucking Bed

How to Run the Dishwasher and Then Show Daddy

How to Recognize the Onset of a Migraine and Be Quiet For a Whole Afternoon

*When I was 6 years old, my grandmother taught me 2 amazing lessons that kind of went hand in hand. She taught me how to make a perfect dry martini. In her car. Cuz, you know, she was usually cocked and it ain’t easy to make drinks and drive. She had a vermouth squirter that was a little cherub who shot the vermouth out of his penis. Nice.

Lesson 1. Squirt fake urine/vermouth into a glass. Roll it around and then shake the glass out the window, leaving a fine hint of vermouth. Fill shaker with ice from cooler. Interesting to note here that sometimes my grandmother, Mimi, wasn’t wearing pants, but she always had a cooler full of ice in the front seat. Pour vodka over ice and shake til you have bicep burn. Pour chilled vodka into vermouth-hinted glass; add olive – also kept in cooler. Have an olive for yourself and know it may be lunch. Hand perfect martini to Mimi and enjoy the ride.

Lesson 2. Sometimes it’s hard for Mimi to steer. Sit on her left leg and work the steering wheel. Hang your left arm out the window and look cool like she does. Ask if you can hold a cigarette. Not lit, of course. Turns out she won’t let you smoke until you’re 11…. She’ll work the pedals – gas and brake – but feel free to alert her of cars that are stopped in front of you. She’s a real bear when she spills that drink.

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